Rejection, Acceptance, Re-invention - By Way Of Adoption
I originally wrote this piece in February, 2009, in response to a New York Times article but I couldn't bring myself to hit the "publish" button. A new study is being released today looking at the long term effects of transracial adoption.
Photo: Prospective children for adoption sent to potential adoptive parents. I'm on the right. Seoul, Korea.
I'm adopted. It's something I got used to stating with no real emotion; a fact I would rattle off like "I'm Korean. I'm one of seven kids." But, this sunday, reading "Saying Yes to Ryan" in the New York Times Magazine, I was suddenly caught by a flood of memories: of the orphanage, of the chaotic tumble of handicapped children clawing to the dining hall, of my utter confusion in the early days and the fervent desire to return to that orphanage. While the author mused on the discovery that she and her husband were able to "say yes" to Ryan only because another family passed him over, adopted children are never given that luxury. We have the mirror experience. We don't choose; we are chosen or passed over. That lack of control over our destiny permeates our psyche -- or at least, it did mine. I understood, from the moment of my placement, that my "new" family could send me back to Korea; I could not reject them and return. But, crying to return to Korea was what I did for the first year of life here in America. At six, fluent only in Korean, I was incapable of articulating my feelings of despair and disappointment. As an adolescent grappling with my identity, the well intended euphemisms of altruism (on my biological parents' side) and choice (on my adoptive parents' side) did nothing to lessen the loss I still felt. The facts were clear: somewhere before I turned two, someone decided -- maybe with the best intentions -- that they didn't want me anymore; that I was too much to deal with. They gave me up or they gave up on me. It didn't matter which; the effect was the same: I was abandoned. Like the stages of grief outlined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, I went through my own stages of anger, denial and ultimately, acceptance. Although it took maturity -- and motherhood -- for me to reach acceptance. And, I learned something along the way. Euphemisms don't help an adoptive child overcome that initial, latent sense of rejection. All of us encounter rejection routinely in our lives: the party we weren't invited to, the friendship that wasn't return, the job that wasn't offered. Aiding an adopted child to accept that initial rejection can help us move past it. I'm not saying that adoptive parents should blurt out "someone didn't want you." But, if your child asks, answer them honestly. It's what I try to do for my own children -- even to questions that make me squirm. When I finally accepted the fact that someone gave me up, I felt liberated. I realized my life essentially got a re-boot. And, that re-boot allowed me to re-invent myself combining what was hard-wired in my DNA and acquired through my adoptive family.








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